


clouds will drift away

by sosojiwa



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: American Sign Language, Backstory, Be gentle, Death, Experimental Style, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Heartbreak, M/M, Wack, also, because 14 is kinda, ernst and max are deaf, i havent written any deaf characters before, lets pretend, makes my job easier, please, theyre canonically 15
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 10:43:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17579372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sosojiwa/pseuds/sosojiwa
Summary: no one can remember a time before hanschen was the arrogant prick they all know and love. hanschen can hardly remember it himself, but when he does, it hurts like hell.thank god he has ernst to alleviate the pain, right?





	clouds will drift away

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone!!  
> im trying my hand at dabbling in hanschen’s past and incorporating asl into my writing (dont @ me but i personally prefer the obc to dwsa, so i havent felt a desire to ever write the characters as they are in the dw production), and this happened to be a result of it!!  
> for once, this isnt something i prewrote and have everything done with, so i actually have to write things and,,, keep it updated :(  
> anyway, hope y’all enjoy!!
> 
> (ps!! the dialect and linguistics of asl is 50x more different than that depicted here, and i kNoW!! dont come for my neck pls)

“Oh, how delightful.”

The mutter fell from the blonde’s lips with a twinge of dismay, thin lips curling down into a frown as he felt a few droplets of water begin to fall from the sky. He could feel his overcoat begin to dampen beneath the tears of mother nature herself, feel his meticulously styled hair begin to stick to his forehead, feel the overwhelming humidity begin to build in the air which grew more and more unbreathable by the second. He could feel the repressed memories begin to regurgitate themselves through twisting his life events around to mimic those that happened years beforehand.

The grip he had on the old wicker basket bestowed to him by his mother grew tighter as his chest began to constrict in due to the rain, while the flowers within the basket began to revel in the fact they were able to bask in the rainfall. He cast a quick glance at the lilacs and released a shaky breath, forcing himself to keep heading down the path. His destination was merely a few shops down, and he would be damned if he stopped in his pursuit because of the weather.

He focused his attention on his feet in attempt to block out the world around him, yet, each droplet of rain that touched him sent a shiver down his spine that he couldn’t ignore despite his best efforts. He tried to keep focused on the distant sound of the rustling trees and the delighted spring birds chirping to their heart's content, yet the sound of the downpour was still pungent, strong and _awful_. He focused his thoughts on how he planned to spend his day and just how he was going to make event happen, yet, darker thoughts loomed over them and threatened to twist his visions of the day into having horrid endings.

He tried to focus a part of himself to keep track of his erratic breathing, but that, too, proved to be futile as his chest only seemed to rise and fall faster as the rain grew a tad bit heavier. A quick glance up from his feet told him that his destination was just to his right, and so he turned and raised his head, injecting himself with the confidence he normally extruded effortlessly, desperate to appear as if nothing was up.

_(it's just rain it shouldn't get to you you'll be fine he won't end up like him don't worry don’t)_

He stepped into the cozy little store and couldn't help the warm smile that began to blossom on his face as soon as he stepped out of the rain and was immediately greeted by the delicious, comforting scent of a multitude of baked goods. As the door swung shut behind him, the rain outdoors was finally reduced to a background figure in his mind, the gentle pittering it emitted as it splashed against the windows only adding to the homely atmosphere of the little bakery.

"Frau Robel?"

The blonde cautiously crept over to the counter and glanced around, hoping her weak ears heard his call. After a moment passed without a response, he stomped on the ground in hopes she would feel the movement from wherever she was within her establishment and cleared his throat before practically yelling, "Frau Robel! it's me, Hanschen! I was just stopping by make sure you are holding up well, as well as the fact that I wanted to pick up a loaf of bread or two!"

He set down his mother's precious wicker basket on the counter before propping up his head, glancing around the store as he heard footsteps begin to grow louder and louder as they drew nearer. Instead of being greeted by the meek figure of Katharina Robel and the sight of her greying hairs strewn into her usual messy bun, he was instead met by the slender figure of her firstborn (and only) child, a tired smile scribbled on the noirette's face. It immediately broadened and grew brighter at the sight of the blonde, and he excitedly ran over to him, holding grabbing hold of his hands.

"Ernst? Why are you keeping yourself here, my love? I thought I told you I was going to accompany to the river so you could stay in relaxing until I came by?" stammered Hanschen, taking time in his words to make sure the shorter boy could understand him. He busied himself with rubbing slow circles on the back of his lover's hands, done only to calm himself down, but veiled under the pretense of being a tender splay of his affection. "Where is your mother?"

Ernst watched the blonde's lips carefully as he spoke, brows furrowed ever so slightly in concentration as he puzzled over figuring out what words just fell from his lips. It took him a moment to register all the words properly and come up with the answers he found appropriate to the questions which had just flowed from the other’s lips. He gently removed his hands from the blonde's and cracked his knuckles before he began to sign out his response.

'Sincerest apologies, dear one, for not heeding your words, but mother has caught violently ill and we all fear for her. Hansi, I haven't a clue as to what I should do! It was so jarring to be woken in the middle of the night by her hoarse cries of pain and..!' his motions were frenzied and his face was wild as his fingers twisted around in tandem with his arms to convey his words, 'I told her I would be delighted to stay and care for her today, but she found it within her to tell me to upkeep the shop instead. She insisted she would call over the Bergmanns for any assistance she required in the time I was gone; she said that I was free to go as soon as you came round, so I suppose we're free to leave to the vineyard now, dearest Hanschen.'

the blonde's eyes widened with fear and remembrance—

_(their lips were intertwined and their bodies were meshed together and it just felt so right, so natural, so perfect to the two young boys despite the fact that they were constantly told by their families and the church to never fall in love with another boy unless they wanted to be punished by god. frenzied hands ran amuck, grabbing and touching and feeling at every exposed spot of skin or tugging at every piece of clothing that happened to be in the way._

_they broke apart after what felt like an eternity, faces erupting with boyish grins at one another as they continued to expose more and more flesh on one another until their school clothes were strewn haphazardly across the floor and they were left in nothing more than their undergarments. the blonde grabbed the hand of the boy opposite him and smirked at him, using his free hand to trail along his exposed leg at a tantalizing pace, reveling in the sound of the throaty gasps he elicited through the motion._

_'hanschen,' fingerspelled the other with his free hand after a shaky breath left his swollen lips, 'i must tell you something before we continue any further.'_

_the smirk that once adorned the face of the aforementioned boy slowly dissolved and was replaced by a look of concern. he dropped the boy's hand and simply quirked a brow at him, a wordless way of asking him what exactly he wished to say._

_'hansi, i fear i have caught ill, but mama hasn't the money to take me to see a doctor. i wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, feeling as if i am trapped in my own body,' he signed, sometimes waving away something he had just signed because it hadn’t been what he meant to say; his frazzled mind was busied with trying to quell the trembling of his hands instead of throwing up the correct signs to match his thoughts, 'sometimes i awake in due to a violent cough and watch my sheets become painted with flecks of red. i find myself losing energy so much faster now. hell, i even found myself breathless from simply walking up the flight of stairs to your room. i feel unbearably light-headed right now, my love, and i am so frightened. frightened this ailment could end terribly for myself, perhaps even scare you—‘_

_hanschen grabbed hold of both of the boy's hands and squeezed them tight, tears pricking in either of their eyes. the brunette’s face was pale with fright and worry and grief and so many other emotions that terrified the both of them to the core, but the apples of his cheeks were still painted over in a light red from the heated moments before this, and their flushed appearance made them both painfully aware that he was human and could face death at any moment like any other mortal man, yet, at ease in the fact that he still_ **_was_ ** _human. he was still aware, still there in the mind. he merely had a weakened immune system, right? an ailment that would pass in due time, right?_

_shakily, he released the boys hands and wiped away a few of the tears that began to slide down his face before he began to sign a response, hands fluid and eloquent in their movement, but face betraying such elegance with raw expressions of fear, 'don't bring yourself to such thinking. i promise you that you will be okay, and if my promise is broken, then i'll be damned. i love you wholeheartedly and i hope for you to live to see a hundred dozen more sunrises with me. please, dear one, stay strong for me. i'll care for you best i can, i promise, just please don't…'_

_he trailed off, hands falling limply into his lap. tears began to slide down his face, too, as the room became filled with the chilling sobs of the young boys, the scene painted over in an overwhelming sense of dread.)_

—and he signed erratically, ‘Has she been visited by a doctor? Promise me a doctor will see to her health, Ernst. Promise me!’

‘I promise, Hanschen! I promise!’ signed the noirette in response, startled by the sudden reaction to his sentiment. He watched the blonde tentatively move his hands back down until they found home in the pockets of his pants. The air between them was thick with things neither them could quite place, but they knew it was simply crushing, completely encapsulating, utterly _uncomfortable_.

The rain outside continued to splash against the windows and make its presence painfully known to the blonde and oddly comforting to the noirette, it’s gentle pitter-patter against the roof and the windows meaning different things to the different boys. They both found themselves lost in thought instead of addressing the disconcerting silence that hung above both of their heads; the blonde couldn't help but watch as his thoughts twisted into the fears from yesteryear that still plagued him today—

A sharp jab to the stomach shook him free from the shackles his mind placed on him, and he raised a brow at the boy opposite him. 'Hanschen, are these flowers for me? they're absolutely gorgeous!' signed the noirette happily, attention now taken up with the wicker basket which still lay on the counter, the myriad of lilacs within it seeming to gaze back at him in all of their pretty, purple glory.

The blonde nodded in response, forcing a smirk to appear on his face, 'Only the most gorgeous flowers for the most gorgeous man I’ve the pleasure to know, my love.'

The tension in the air had began to quell as did the mini storm outside, to which both boys were grateful. A broad smile began to take form on Ernst's face before he stood on the tips of his toes and planted a firm kiss on the lips of the blonde, who couldn't help the smile that began to blossom on his face, too. "Come," said the noirette, voice hoarse and throaty from its seldom usage (he spoke tiny, fragmented sentences to himself sometimes at odd hours of the night in attempt to feel normal; every once in awhile, he even built up the courage to say one of the few words within his vocabulary to the blonde, every one of those moments forming into a tender memory in either of their hearts), before swapping back over to the sign language he found comfort in communicating in, 'Shall we participate in some of the activities you had planned for the day?'

The thoughts of his past were overrun with silly, airy thoughts of love and admiration for the boy before him. The sound of his voice warmed him inside and out, the odd, yet velvety sound of it being truly whimsical and a joy to have fall upon his ears. It was so delicate yet powerful, inordinately brilliant, and quite simply, just perfect, _just Ernst_.

He pressed a chaste kiss to the boy's forehead and signed to him, motions swift and fluid as he converted his response to the mother-tongue of the boy behind him. His face was expressive and bright, so much more alive than it had been in the moments prior to this, and the tension that once lay thick in the air had dissolved completely now. 'Go fetch your favourite bread, and then we shall be on our way to the vineyard,’ were the words which spilled into the air through his motions, ‘Do hurry— I’d hate for the rain to return before we leave.’

Compliant and excited, the noirette grinned and spun on his heel, the sound of his shoes slapping against the worn wooden floor filling the store as he ran off to some odd spot to grab his favourite bread (which changed all too often; last Hanschen inquired on such a topic was a week ago, when the boy had simply responded with ‘ _katenbrot!’_ , which surprised him, considering he had not once seen the boy eat the strong bread). he returned rather quickly, hands holding two loaves of landbrot and a dull knife to cut into them with.

“Okay?”

Hanschen nodded, “Just fine. Your voice is utterly marvelous, by the way.”

The words left the blonde’s lips with the purest form of sincerity, and they lingered in the air, never reaching the ears of the noirette, instead reaching his eyes and awaiting his interpretation. A dozen shades of red blossomed on Ernst’s face, and he couldn’t help but stand there in shock and confusion, the loaves of bread still tucked away in his arms, yet, threatening to slide out from them and onto the floor at any moment.

The taller boy grabbed the bread as well as well as the knife, setting all three items within the wicker basket, the pretty little lilacs being crushed beneath the weight of the farm bread. ‘Surely, you jest! My voice isn’t… it cannot be… how would it ever..?’ the noirette’s face was contoured now with pain, assumptions of the statement being said in pity beginning to plant themselves in his mind. His signs, usually fluent and nearly as beautiful as Wendla’s were now choppy and fast, each unfinished statement being dismissed by a quiet huff and the waving of his hands as if he were clearing them from the air.

‘Ernst, I couldn’t ever find it within myself to say something out of spite or disdain to you. I once promised you that I would love and cherish every aspect of your being, and that is exactly what I have done, and I swear to the good lord above that I am being entirely sincere,’ responded Hanschen, the smile that once graced his sharp features now absent, in its place an expression reminiscent of a grimace,

_‘(i would never lie to you, my love.)’_

‘Come now, Ernst. we haven’t time to waste.’ One of his hands fell limp to his side while the other grabbed the worn, stuffed basket. With a tiny sigh, he straightened his posture and glanced over at the noirette, whom had his eyes glued to his feet and hands clasped together so firmly his knuckles began to pale. The blonde tapped on the floor twice with his foot and offered him a small smile when he once more obtained the attention of the noirette, cocking his head toward the door, a silent way of saying they should be on their way.

‘Dear one, wait. May I ask you a question before we go?’ signed Ernst hurriedly before the blonde tore his gaze away from him and began to walk the door. He simply nodded in response and quirked his brow, a wordless way of asking him what exactly he wished to say. ‘Sincerest apologies if this may come off as being somewhat intrusive, but I find myself quite curious— what has been on your mind today? You are much more unsettled than usual, and I’ve finally realized that there must be a deeper reason to your disdain for the rain than the fact you merely dislike getting your gorgeous hair wet.’

That most certainly was _not_ what the blonde had been expected to be asked. he felt the hairs on the back of his neck begin to prick at him and stand tall, felt his eyes and mouth begin to dry out and felt his thoughts become overrun once more with the memories of both the literal _and_ figurative ghost of his past. With a sigh, he turned to set the basket back on its spot on the counter.

“Well, Ernst. it’s a long tale, but I’ll indulge you in it now if you truly wish, merely because I love you,” said Hanschen slowly, both so that his lover could understand his words and so that he could brace himself for the story he was about to spin back into the foreground of his thoughts, to prepare for the tears that were undoubtedly going to spill from his eyes. The noirette, tentatively, responded with a small nod,

‘I once fell for a boy who was not much unlike yourself— his name was Max von Trenk.’

**Author's Note:**

> the tonal pacing of this is hella wack but whatever im still somewhat satisfied with the outcome and i hope you all are too (+ i got to toss in a cliffhanger so im happy uwu)  
> stay tuned for chapter two, folks!!


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